


Too High a Price to Pay

by ElizaSam



Series: A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Angst Go Down (Malec) [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec fixes things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus never found out about the deal, Magnus wasn't doing so good, Now with a happy ending!, Post-Break Up, True Love, and is just now realizing what he's done, apparently heartbreak is my new jam, thank goodness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25343941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElizaSam/pseuds/ElizaSam
Summary: The simple truth was that Magnus was completely alone. Heartbroken and deserted, tormented by the knowledge that Alec no longer loved him.ORMagnus never found out about the deal, Alec is absolutelynotfine (despite what he might say), and they meet ten years later.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Angst Go Down (Malec) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1835383
Comments: 25
Kudos: 176





	1. Chapter 1

_“Good morning, my love.”_

_Warm lips pressed into the tender skin below Magnus’s ear sending a pleasant shiver down his spine and waking him from the morning fog left behind by a good night’s sleep. At the slide of bare skin against his own, he chuckled._

_“Not tired of me yet, darling?”_

_Magnus’s tone was light and teasing, his body relaxing when Alec kissed him lazily and unhurried. Their lips met once, twice before the slight tug of calloused hands stroking the soft skin of his hip was both too much and not enough._

_“Never,” Alec breathed, taking the opportunity as Magnus rolled them over to run a hand through silky, dark locks. He was always been partial to Magnus when his physical guard was down, despite how breathtakingly well Magnus could wear his hair and makeup. “An eternity with you wouldn’t be enough.”_

_Golden eyes blinked back, glassy with barely contained tears. “Truly, Alexander?”_

_“Truly, Magnus. My greatest achievement, my purest joy is loving you. Hey,” Alec caught Magnus’s face, thumb stroking the quivering chin and tilting it up until their eyes met once again. “It’s you and me. It will always be you and me, Magnus.”_

_“You and me, Alexander.”_

It had been a decade since Magnus last felt such happiness. 

Every night, he dreamt of Alec. Their first date, first dance, first night together played through his dreams as if on a movie reel, so convincing and realistic that he could sometimes fool himself. But when the fog of sleep disappeared and consciousness returned, Magnus remembered. Every morning he was forced to relive the heartbreak of their last embrace, and every morning he fought to swallow the rising self-loathing and insecurity. They’d been his unwilling companions for centuries and were far too ingrained to dismiss.

Some days were easier. Magnus would wake excited for a client or a new outfit, and he could muster the strength to push past the blinding pain. He’d stand and carefully make the bed, able to ignore the hollow ache in his chest and the preserved, museum-like state of the bedroom identical to before Alec had left. 

But most days, the agony was paralyzing. Magnus would wake curled in a ball on what used to be Alec’s side of the bed and grimace as reality washed over him. There wasn’t a warm body next to him, and there would be no brush of lips against his own. No gentle, loving eyes to meet his or arms to protect him when his hands trembled and breathing became ragged. 

Those morning were the worst, but the frequency with which they occurred created an awful sort of normalcy. 

The simple truth was that Magnus was completely alone. Heartbroken and deserted, tormented by the knowledge that Alec no longer loved him. 

~

“I got it, Izzy.” Alec’s voice was low, his eyes downcast and body unnaturally tense. 

“Malik, Edric, Steven- go.” Three Shadowhunters peeled away from the group at Isabelle’s command, sprinting down an alley toward the screeching sound of a demon nest. Scanning the area once more, she turned back to her brother. “No Alec, you’re not being safe. I draw the line at sending my brother on a suicide mission.” 

“I’m being _fine_.” 

“You are not. I get it Alec, I do. But it’s been ten years, and you’re still recklessly throwing yourself at danger. That won’t make it go away.” Isabelle’s voice quieted, and she paused. “And it won’t make him come back.” 

Alec jerked away, body tensing and voice stone cold. “I don’t want him to come back, Izzy. He can’t-” 

The words faded. Alec’s gaze locked on the end of the street, mouth hanging open and eyes unblinking as a figure stepped into view. 

~ 

“Alexander?” 

Magnus thought he was dreaming, another cruel joke being made at his expense. He’d gone to a shop outside of town in search of potion ingredients, so wrapped in his own thoughts that he hadn’t heard the siblings until he stepped out the door. 

The taller man’s outline had been immediately recognizable. Magnus knew that slouching posture, that endlessly messy hair. He’d kissed every inch of the alabaster skin and caressed the dark rune partially hidden by the collar of Alec’s shirt. Even ten years later, the man standing before him was more precious and more familiar than Magnus himself. 

“Mag- Magnus?” Alec’s breath caught on Magnus’s name. “What are you doing here?”

“I, uh, was picking up ingredients for a potion. They’re specialty and a bit out of the way… which is…” he trailed off, one hand waving half-heartedly behind him. “Uh, how are you?” 

“Busy. Demons, and Izzy is Acting Head so…”

“Congratulations, Isabelle,” Magnus replied quietly, his eyes never leaving Alec’s. 

She nodded. “Thank you, Magnus. I’m going to… check on the patrol. It was good to see you.” 

Heels clicked away, stretching the chasm of silence between the two men. 

“I hope things are busy for you?” Alec gestured to the package in Magnus’s hand. “We’ve had a lot of demons lately and-”

“You’re being careful?” Magnus blurted out. The words escaped before he could restrain himself. 

Deep eyes met his own, emotions warring within them: reluctance, care, tenderness, sadness. “Always.”

“Good, good.” 

Alec visibly wavered, his body leaning forward while his face drew back. “I- I better get back.” 

“Wait, Alexander-” One hand reached across the divide and loosely clasped Alec’s wrist. Its effect was immediate. Alec’s eyes fell closed, and he drew a deep breath in. They moved together until Magnus could feel the heat of Alec’s body as it beckoned him closer. “Could we… Would you… I, uh, I’d like to catch up sometime… if you wanted. We could get lunch, sushi if you still enjoy it.”

A wry smile twisted Alec’s lips. “I still feel bad for the ‘fatty’ tuna.” 

Magnus chucked, lightness in his chest at the reminiscence. “Ah, well… a warlock can only do so much. In fact, are you free now? Let me just-” With a wave, he sent the package of ingredients back to the apartment. “W- What?” 

In less than a second, Alec had stepped back. Gone was the smile, dark eyes and tense shoulders in its place. “You- You have your magic back.”  


“I do… is that a problem?”

“No- no, of course not. It’s just nice to see you as yourself again, happy.” 

Magnus paused at the confliction on Alec’s face, choosing his words carefully. “I’m happy because I’ve run into you, Alexander. And I would like for us to get together sometime, truly.” 

“I- I can’t.”

“W-What?”

“I’m sorry, Magnus. I should never have walked over. I-” Scarred hands ran over Alec’s face, rubbing his eyes harshly. “You should go. Forget you ever saw me.” He turned, shouldering his bow and walking several paces away. 

“Alexander-”

Alec stopped at his name and slowly turned. “No, I’m sorry, Magnus. This- This isn’t going to work. You need to go. Please, go.” 

“Of course, I forgot. I’m sorry.” He whispered, lips pressed tightly together and eyes blinking back tears. 

“Forgot what?” Alec asked, his runes having enabled him to hear. 

“Nothing. It’s nothing, Alec. I’ll just go-” Magnus turned quickly and began to walk away. 

“No, Magnus. You forgot what?”

Magnus hesitated, but he did not turn back around. He couldn’t bear to see Alec’s rejection again, a replay of the heartbreak he relived every morning. “I- I forgot that… that you don’t love me anymore. I forgot that… you _couldn’t_ love me again.” The words were broken and stuttered, and Magnus’s voice cracked at the end. He pushed them out, drove them in answer to the question. And then, he forced himself to take one step, and then another, slowly leaving Alec behind him. 

Magnus didn’t wait for Alec to respond, and he didn’t look back. It would be too much, the nail in the coffin. To hear Alec make an excuse or an attempt at comfort, that would be it. He didn’t want pity. He didn’t want to watch Alec’s face twist into politeness where there was once love. 

That would be too much to bear. 

So, tears running down his face and trembling hands wrapped around his waist, Magnus Bane walked away from the last man he would ever love. He carried the pieces of his broken heart back to the loft, to the space that could never again be considered home, and collapsed, unaware of the anguish left behind. 

~

Alec hadn’t moved. 

He’d stood there, rooted in the same spot long after Magnus had left. He’d held his wrist, where Magnus’s skin had touched his own, and caressed the area over and over as if trying to hold onto the feeling of closeness. He’d recalled the momentary happiness they had shared- when Magnus’s face was light and laughing- and attempted to push away Magnus’s grief-stricken look at Alec’s rejection. 

“Of course I still love you,” he’d whispered at his love’s retreating form. 

Sacrificing his own happiness had been one thing. Alec had managed to endure the crushing darkness that threatened every waking moment so long as Magnus was okay. 

He had survived, had _sustained_ himself, on the knowledge that Magnus was whole and happy.

But in that minute, when both their hearts had shattered, Alec couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the deal had defeated them both. 

Maybe, Asmodeus’s price had been too high to pay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic originally ended with the first chapter, but after the hurdles of 2020, I think we all deserve a happy ending. Plus, I'm a softie... sue me :)

Alec had never felt so unwelcome, so unworthy in his entire life. 

Once, the imposing wooden door before him would have felt warm, safe. He’d have pushed it open without a second thought, skipping stairs as he ran to the loft and the presence he knew would be there. Once, Alec would have been home. 

But not today; not for a while now. He’d lost that right the day he broke Magnus’s heart. 

Ten years. 

It had been ten _years_. How had that happened? How had he survived? How much of the decade had Magnus been in such pain, such anguish? How long they suffered separately, silently.

One week. 

It was one week ago that he had last seen Magnus. One week since the true gravity of his decision settled across his broad shoulders, and Alec realized the burden he and Magnus _both_ carried. 

One week that had tormented Alec like no other. The thought of Magnus hurting even a fraction as much as he was, that Magnus was _still_ , ten years later, enduring Alec’s punishment, crushed him like nothing else had. Bleeding fingers on his bow, stabs from seraph blades, even the grief when he had left Magnus the first time… nothing was as overwhelming and overpowering as the knowledge that he, Alec, was responsible for Magnus’s enduring pain. 

Three days. 

Three days of worry and contemplation. Three days of almost picking up the phone before deciding not to. 

Three days since Alec had called Catarina. 

_“Alec Lightwood.”_

_“Catarina… hi. I’m sorry to call without warning.” Silence. “I- I was hoping I could ask you a question. It’s- It’s rather personal, though, and I will understand if you do not want to answer.”_

_“I will not promise a reply, but you may ask.”_

_“Thank you, Catarina. Thank you. I, uh, well… it’s about him.”_

_“If you cannot even say his name, then there is no need for this call, Alec.”_

_“Of course, uh. You’re right. I just- I didn’t- never mind.” Alec blew out a harsh breath, steeling himself. “Uh… how is he, is Magnus?”_

_“In what respect, Alec?”_

_“Just- is he okay? Healthy… happy… living? Because I saw him, a while ago. Well, it was a few days ago and, uh, he didn’t look how I thought he would.”_

_“What were you expecting?”_

_“I- I’m not sure. I just always thought that he’d, well… move on.” Alec choked out, the words like fire on his tongue. “Be happy, live. But- but it didn’t seem like he did. I, uh… I just… Catarina,” Alec said softly, pleadingly, “I never wanted to hurt him, not permanently, at least. I thought the pain I was inflicting was the lesser of two evils and would eventually… just, fade away, I suppose. Catarina, please. I don’t want to cause him any more pain, but I- I- I really want to see him. I really need to see him. To set things right.”_

_There was silence._

_And then, “I have always been fond of you, Alec, even when you harmed my dearest friend in the most unkind way. I believe you underestimate yourself. Go to him, Alec; go to Magnus with my warmest regards.”_

Alec had been stunned. 

He had hoped to explain himself to Catarina, to convince her that he was not the cruel man she likely thought. His best case scenario had been two minutes to plead his case, and he wouldn’t have blamed her if she refused to pick up the phone at all. 

Her graciousness was incredible, let alone her understanding and blessing. 

He would have to send her a thank you gift; the Institute had many rare and yearned after potion ingredients. But all this… after he spoke with Magnus. 

Which brought Alec back to the dark and heavy wooden door he stood before. It was not welcoming, but it was familiar. He knew this door, and he knew the man living beyond it. He loved the man living beyond it. 

With a deep breath, Alec pressed the buzzer. 

“Magnus? Um, it’s me. Alec.” 

Silence. Nothing but wind rushing through his ears. 

Alec pressed the button again, inching closer. 

“Magnus, I- I know that you probably don’t want to see me, and I don’t blame you. But I’d like the chance to explain… please.”

Again, silence. 

“I- I don’t deserve your time, Magnus. And you have every right to leave me out here… but please. _Please_.” Alec’s breath caught, and a sob threatened to erupt. His head fell forward, skin pressed against the cool wood. “Magnus, _please_. I- I- huh?” 

Something was off. 

As Alec leaned against the door, he could feel it bend. Not physically; the wood was solid. But mentally. He could see the blue wall in his mind as it curved under his pressure. It swayed, giving a little before returning to its original state. 

Curious, Alec pressed more firmly. A splinter appeared in the shield, cracks spider-webbing from the center point. Anything more, even a firm push, would topple the blue wall. It took only a moment to realize what was happening. 

The wards were weak. Magnus’s wards were fragile, severely underpowered, and that left him vulnerable. 

“No,” Alec whispered, more to himself than anyone within earshot. “That- that can’t be right. That’s not right. Some- Something’s wrong. Mag-” His eyes grew wide with fear. “Oh by the angel, Magnus!” 

Alec frantically shoved the door, easily flattening the feeble wards and nearly breaking off the doorknob. 

Inside, he drew two, four, six locking runes into the wood. In any other situation, he would never dare to encroach on a warlock’s territory with angelic power but… this was Magnus. _Magnus_. Alec physically could not leave him unprotected and vulnerable, not if he had anything to say about it. 

The runes’ glow sinking into the door, Alec raced up the chilly stairwell, boots thudding and skipping steps in his haste to reach the loft. He threw open the door, hardly registering the sluggish and sickly wards as he shoved them aside and…

Everything was the same. _Exactly_ the same. 

There was his jacket, hanging on a hook, and the rack for his weapons beside the door. The book he had been reading that morning so long ago with his reading glasses perched atop it. His umbrella sat leaned against the doorframe. 

Alec stepped slowly into the living room, stunned.

He recognized the blue and white china bowl of sweets and the nearly full coffee cup left on the side table, its owner in too much of a rush to finish. The fuzzy blanket strewn across one end of the couch from a late movie and the worn, grey slippers peeking from underneath. There was his half-finished to do list on the coffee table with a doodle on the side from someone else, clearly left for him to find, and a silver ear cuff next to it, forgotten. 

And there, as Alec’s eyes traveled to the corner of the room, was Magnus. 

~

“Cat, Raph- I’m fine. You have more important things to do.” 

Silence. 

Magus sighed. “Honestly, guys. I appreciate it. But I’m not-” Finally looking up, the words died on his tongue.

Standing in the foyer was the one person he was certain would never again walk through his door, would never even see again. 

“I- I’m sorry.” Alec said softly, not moving. “I thought something had happened since, since your wards are down.”

Magnus was frozen, his eyes greedily taking in as much of Alec as he could before he left, before he was alone again. 

Alec’s frame was achingly familiar, though his hair was longer and more unkempt. Deep circles underlined his eyes, and his normally pale skin was flushed from racing up the stairs. He looked, perhaps, thinner and less sure of himself, but it was definitely still Alec. 

Same posture, same boots. Same calloused hands and open, expressive face. His Alexander. 

It was surreal to see him back in the loft, in _their_ loft, filling the space. 

And then Magnus remembered. The breakup. The rejection only a week earlier. The tears and crushing pain each day. The sleepless nights and blurry days. And it was enough to steel himself for what was to come. 

“I’m fine.” Magnus said, wincing inwardly at the roughness of his unused voice. “Thank you for checking, A- Alec. But you can leave now.” 

“What?” Alec breathed, almost instinctively. “Magnus, what is going on? Why are your wards down? Why is the apartment the same? Why-”

“I don’t see why that is any of your concern.” 

Alec stared at him in disbelief. “None of my concern? Magnus, you’re sitting in a corner with no socks and no blanket. You must be freezing. You look like you haven’t showered in days, let alone changed your clothes, and you are completely without protection. Anyone could have pushed through your wards.” 

“I’ll have you know that a warlock doesn’t need to shower. My clothes are comfortable-”

“Wait,” Alec’s voice was slow and disbelieving, as if he didn’t quite trust what he saw. “Are they, are those my clothes?”

“- and wards are not my first priority at the moment,” Magnus continued, as if Alec hadn’t spoken. “To be quite frank, Alec, you have made your point. I appreciate your checking in, but I am fine.” 

“What- Magnus I know you well enough to know you’re absolutely not fine.” 

Magnus scoffed, turning away. He didn’t see the few grey sparks as they sputtered in the air, transparent and small. 

“Magnus, is your magic-”

“I- I don’t give a damn about my magic, Alec.” Magnus’s voice was suddenly weary and low, though slightly taken aback by Alec’s noticing. “Just- Just go.”

“What? Magnus, I’m not leaving. I’m not going to leave.” 

“And I’m not a charity case.” 

Voice cautious, Alec replied. “I’m not suggesting that you are.” 

Silence.

Magnus sighed deeply. “My magic is… weak.” A golden-skinned hand waved carelessly in the air, a few sparks fizzling out quickly as if to emphasize his words. 

“And that makes you weak?” Alec asked, confused. “Physically weak? I don’t… I don’t remember that. I don’t understand.”

Another sigh rumbled from deep in Magnus’s chest. “Not, not exactly. I just haven’t been up to- haven’t been in the mood to do things without it.”

“Things? Magnus, these are your _wards_. Your protection. How… how can you not care?” 

Magnus scoffed. “Care. I- I don’t want your _care_ , Alec. I don’t- just, just go. Please.” 

“No, I won’t. You’re not taking care of yourself. You’re not-”

“Yeah, well. There’s not much left to care for.”

There was a sharp intake of breath. “Magnus…” 

Magnus met his eyes once at Alec’s tone, widening slightly when they met. “No, Alexa- Alec. It’s nothing like that. I eat… and Cat and Raph would force feed me if I ever gave the indication that I wouldn’t do it myself. I’m just, just being dramatic.”

“You were being honest. I know the difference.”

“Do you?”

“I do.” 

Their eyes met, and a minute passed before Magnus shook his head, breaking the connection. He sighed, suddenly exhausted. “Why are you here, Alec? I got the message loud and clear.” 

Alec was quiet, eyes glued to the floor. 

As the minutes passed, they both watched his black boots tap against the hardwood. 

“I- It’s not.. I don’t, uh, I don’t know why.” His voice was halting and subdued. 

“You don’t.” 

“No,” dark locks shook, “but I couldn’t just forget. I couldn’t turn around and walk away.”

“You did before.”

“What?” Alec’s head shot up, his eyes instantly meeting Magnus’s. “No, Magnus,” Alec said softly. He closed the distance between them, step by step, until he was kneeling before the man he loved so deeply. “I could never forget you.” 

Magnus snorted, the sound sad and forlorn. He could feel the blood pounding in his veins and fought to keep the hurt from his voice. “You say one thing, but your actions say another.” 

Silence stretched between the pair. Alec fiddled with a loose thread, watching as a single spark floated and sputtered above Magnus’s open palm. 

“Magnus, I don’t understand. Why aren’t you using your magic? Why aren’t you… living?” Alec’s voice was raw and pained. 

Magnus flinched at his tone, any bitterness long forgotten. “After, um....” He focused on his shaking hands to avoid looking up. “After you left, I haven’t found anything to, uh, well, to use it on.”

“I- I don’t understand. Your magic is everything to you. It’s a part of you.”

“Yeah,” Magnus smiled ruefully, “but it’s a part of me that I wanted to spend on you. And um, well, you’re not here any longer. So…” 

“Magnus,” Alec breathed, eyes glassy. 

Stunned by the transparent emotions and closeness of Alec’s body, Magnus began to panic. 

It was too close to the last time. To the last rejection. The intensity of the moment and familiar look in warm eyes, the heat of Alec’s body seeping into his own. It was another setup for failure, for rejection and rebuff and heartbreak. 

He couldn’t let Alec close. Not again. He had to stop this and quickly. Before the tears building spilled over. Before he gave in and unlocked the armor on his heart. Before he was vulnerable again. 

“No!” Magnus said abruptly. The shaking in his hands had quickly overwhelmed the rest of his body, and he trembled even as he pushed Alec away. “I don’t want you feeling sorry for me, Alec. It’s- It’s okay. I’ve moved on, and you have as well. I’m happy for you. Really, I- I am. And-”

“Magnus, no.” A warm hand reached out, crossing the divide between their two bodies.

“- I’ll be okay.” Magnus continued, as if he hadn’t heard a word. As if he didn’t notice his brimming tears and the warm skin wiping them away. “I will. I have Cat and Raph and Madzie. They check on me. And, uh, they can bring me food if I need. And-”

“Hey, Magnus.” A second hand appeared, curling around his neck, even as the first cupped his chin. 

“- my clients, once I start seeing them again. They’ll check on me, and… and yeah. So it’s okay, Alexander. You can go now. It’s okay. It’s rea- really okay.” Magnus rambled, unaware of how Alec’s name had slipped out in his desperation to hide the trembling of his voice. “I’ll- I’m going to be good. Better than good. I’m great. So, so it’s okay if you lea- lea- leave.”

But then, right as his voice cracked and the tears began to spill, Magnus was surrounded by warmth. 

His face was pressed into the soft, warm skin of Alec’s neck, tears smushed between them. One of Alec’s long arms was twined around his waist, pulling Magnus into his body, the other wrapped around his neck and stroking the side of his face, right below his ear. Just like he used to all those years ago. 

It was Magnus’s dreams incarnated, him wrapped completely within the arms of the man he loved. The man he had always and would forever love. Both squeezing the other as though to convince them that they would not disappear. 

Alec’s frame dwarfed Magnus, made him feel as if he were the size of a small child. And Magnus revelled in the sensation. Few people did he expose himself to, and fewer still would return the affection. But Alec, his Alexander made him feel safe and cherished. Had _always_ made him feel that way. 

As the familiar woodsy scent engulfed his senses, Magnus found himself burying deeper in the protective and warm cocoon, praying to the angels or God, whoever was up there that he could stay there forever. That Alec would not let him go. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Magnus.” Alec’s voice was deep and gruff, even as he pressed kiss after kiss into Magnus’s skin. Ear, cheek, palm, wherever he could reach. “I’m never leaving you. Not now, not ever again.” 

A sob escaped from Magnus’s chest at the words he’d ached to hear for so many years, every second of every day, and he found himself unable to do anything but cry and desperately grasp the larger man. 

“I love you so much, Magnus,” Alec continued, voice cracking when the man he was hugging only sobbed harder. “I love you. I love you. I love you. Every minute of every day, I have loved you. E- Even when I was wrong, so wrong, and hurting us both, I loved you. And I am _never_ letting you go again. Do you hear me, Magnus Bane? Do you hear me, darling?”

“Yes, Alexander,” Magnus whispered, raising his teary face to look into the eyes of the man he loved. Tender eyes looked back, brimming in emotions and framed with their own tears. 

Magnus turned his head slightly, nuzzling into the warm and open palm that was cradling his cheek and pressing the first of many kisses into the center of it. 

“I hear you, my darling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed!  
> I am more than happy to give these two the happy ending they deserve, and I'm considering doing the same on a few of my other angsty fics if y'all like this one. Let me know :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, y'all! I decided to make this a series. So if you have any scene or idea you want to break your heart (and thus Malec's) with, let me know!


End file.
